Bad Mama Genny

 

For all the vegans, milk-allergic, or lactarded people on your gift list.

 

Because nothing says “I love you” like a present that doesn’t cause severe intestinal distress!

 

Of course, if you’ve been sticking with Bad Mama Genny for a while now, you know that I’ve already covered how to make this macaroni and “cheese.”  Yeah, you’re welcome. No problem.

 

But what if you just wanna SHARE all that non-dairy lovin’ with others? Well, I can help you there, too. These kits are inexpensive, low-labor, and work just like the blue-boxed stuff everyone’s used to–boil the water, cook the noodles, mix the sauce, toss the things, stuff the face.

 

Tossing the things–an essential part of life.

 

And when you give these adorable lil’ kits away, you’re sending your loved one the message that you care about his or her tummy and/or value system and/or hyperactive immune responses. Awww…now I’m getting all emotional!

 

And speaking of mutual respect and emotions, let’s talk about family and the holidays! (NO REALLY, LET’S!)

 

In case you used all your good conversation starters over Thanksgiving and are pulling snags in your fishnets trying to cope yourself through Christmas, have no fucking fear!  Bad Mama Genny’s come up with five ways to keep the chitchat flowing!

 

(Not to be attempted when sober.)

 

::AHEM::

1) “If you heard God asking you to sacrifice me on a mountaintop, would you do it? If so, why, and if not, well, honestly, I’m kind of surprised by that answer and haven’t prepared a response.”

2) “At what age did you really lose your virginity.  No, really?”

3) “During this most peaceful, loving, and giving time of year, I think it’s best to reflect on why The Brother got more presents than I did the Christmas we were seven.”

4) “Do you regret mixing my antibiotics into chocolate ice cream when I was a kid, making it so that I couldn’t enjoy the flavor again until my early twenties, by which point I had become lactose-intolerant?  If you don’t regret that…would you consider starting?  Discuss.”

5) “If you saw Jesus in a potato chip and I ate that potato chip, would I be disinherited? On a related note, have I already been disinherited?”

 

Well, that should get you started, but feel free to get creative and come up with your own!  Remember, they should be disturbing and unsettling, but stop short of causing emotional scarring.  That way the guilt trips stay in YOUR arsenal.

 

And that’s what the holidays are REALLY about.  Weaponry!

 

**Looking for other homemade and giftable ideas?**
*Homemade canned goods
*This boozy banana bread will blow your mind and force you to spend the rest of your life on your hands and knees picking up the pieces.
*Sourdough Starter!  The gift that keeps on giving, and then gives some more and then is all, hey, it’s been seven minutes, are you in the mood for more bread yet?
*Pecan Sandies!

 

Dairy-Free, Soy-Free, Vegan Macaroni and Cheese Kit
Makes 1 2-serving kit

Go Get:
1 glass pint jar
4 ounces dry macaroni (usually 1 cup–I used mini shells; larger pasta may require a bigger jar)
1/4 cup flour
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1/8 teaspoon onion powder
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder

Go Do:
Pour the dry pasta into the bottom of the jar.

 

Then mix together the flour, nutritional yeast, salt, pepper, onion powder, and garlic powder. Place it in a little, clear bag, tie it up, place it on top of the dry pasta, and seal the jar.

 

Decorate however you like, (a color palette of blues and oranges is especially snarky), and include these instructions:

 

Dairy-Free, Soy-Free, Vegan Macaroni and Cheese Kit!

To use your kit:

Cook the macaroni in salted, boiling water until al dente. Drain and set aside. In a pot over low heat, whisk 1 tablespoon oil or vegan butter spread, 1 1/4 cup nut or other nondairy milk, and contents of “cheese” packet. Cook, stirring constantly, until mixture is thickened. Toss with macaroni and stir until heated through. Serves 2.  Did you love it?  Wanna make some more?  Visit www.BadMamaGenny.com!

 

© 2011, Genevieve P. Charet. All rights reserved.

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