Hang onto your fishnets, misfits–it’s time for another installment of “Ask Bad Mama Genny!” And today’s episode is likely to pull at the heartstrings of all you sweet-toothed yet lactarded gals and fellas out there. Read on for Michelle’s query:
Caramel! I miss it as a lactard, have you found any suitable alternatives; or even better, a way to make the real thing?
Thanks a million!
Michelle
Caramel is a tough one, misfits.
Hey, hey, hey, come back here! I didn’t say it was “impossible,” misfits! I said it was “a tough one,” okay? Thereby causing you to realize the enormity of the task I have undertaken and increasing my glory tenfold when you watch me do it BECAUSE OH HELLZ YES I DID DO IT.
So as we’ve discussed in the past, I am lactose-intolerant. This does not mean that I no longer live like A Rock Star. Not living like A Rock Star is totally not an option for me. Therefore I need caramel. Everybody knows that rock stars and caramel go together like gin and tonic water which IS REALLY FUCKING WELL.
Me=Rock Star.
Stop laughing.
In any case, Your Bad Mama Genny does not possess the inner fortitude to give up things like ice cream and cream soups and caramel. Simple as that.
But, uh, let’s be frank here: I also LITERALLY do not possess the inner fortitude to eat them. So I find ways around it. Coconut ice cream. Almond milk. Hallucinogenic substances. You know, the usual. I tweak my recipes until they’re just as satisfying as the original, and YOU, yes, YOU reap the benefits.
So let’s talk caramel–technically speaking, caramel can just be, well, caramel, as in caramelized sugar. Sugar plus heat equals caramel. But right now you’re all, Oh, Bad Mama Genny, that is SO NOT what Michelle meant. And I so know you’re right. What Michelle meant is that gooey, creamy stuff you could eat out of a jar with a spoon–that stuff you drizzle on ice cream, over cakes, or all over yourselves for a bizarre photo shoot that will probably surface in Sweden someday.
I canz handle that challenge, my wittle misfittles.
So onto the dang quesadillas! (Please tell me you got that reference.)
I mean, the dang caramel!
Dairy-Free, Vegan Caramel Sauce
Ingredients:
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar or evaporated cane juice
3/4 cup full fat coconut milk
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla bean paste or vanilla extract (seriously, misfits, vanilla bean paste is my MSG–use it, and use it liberally)
2 T. vegan Earth Balance spread–or butter, if you can tolerate it (I can) and don’t have a problem with dairy on principle
1 dash sea salt
1 Tablespoon cornstarch
2 Tablespoons cold water
Directions:
Put sugars and Earth Balance in a medium saucepan over low heat. Meanwhile, set the coconut milk in a small saucepan over low heat to get steamy. Now cook the sugars and butter, stirring occasionally with a wooden spoon, until it’s smooth and melty and sugars have dissolved (about 5 minutes). Now toss in the vanilla bean paste or extract and stir quickly to incorporate–be careful, the mixture may froth up at this point. Now slowly add the steaming coconut milk while stirring. When it’s incorporated, mix the cornstarch with the cold water in a small bowl. Add it to the caramel mixture while stirring, and let the mixture bubble until thickened, about 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and let stand for 5 minutes. Then transfer it to a jar or airtight container and OM NOM NOM NOM NOM start over again.
Enjoy, Michelle!
And for all of you lactarded misfits looking for a lil’ more non-dairy love, check out a few other recipes I’ve posted for your nomming pleasure:
Dairy-free, Soy-free, Vegan Macaroni & Cheese
Dairy-free Creamy Spinach Artichoke Dip
Swedish Meatballs with Dairy-free “Sour Cream” and Mushroom Sauce
(Remember, misfits, you can submit your own question for your Bad Mama Genny to answer by clicking right here.)
© 2011, Genevieve P. Charet. All rights reserved.
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Used this sweet escape to make a terrific ice cream sandwich:
http://amourbeurre.blogspot.com/2011/08/switch-it-up.html
Whoohoo! Michelle, your cookie creation looks so kick-ass. And what a coincidence, I have been wanting dessert to kick my ass.
Thanks for keeping us posted! Ask again anytime, doll.
Gen
Ok, so I have tried to make this…twice. I am apparently caramel challenged. The first time I made it when I added the vanilla it frothed, but it also formed hard little sugar chunks in the caramel. I kept going and added the hot coconut milk, and again, chunks.
The second time, i added some water to help the sugar melt a little more evenly, yay! But, when I was done, the butter totally separated from the caramel.
Am I destined to live a life without caramel?? I shudder at the thought. HELP!
Hi, Kim! No, you’re not caramel challenged AND DON’T EVEN ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF A LIFE WITHOUT CARAMEL–crystallization is just so damn common and that’s because sugar doesn’t like being caramel. It likes being sugar. It looks for any and all opportunities to go back to being a crystal. Even experienced pastry chefs have it happen to them sometimes, but there are things you can try.
A few notes:
*Even a teensy bit of residue on the pan before you start can cause spontaneous crystallization. Same goes for stirring with a spoon or using a thermometer that has a few unmelted sugar crystals on it. Make sure every pot and tool is squeaky clean.
*Try swabbing down the sides of the pan with a wet pastry brush as you go–this makes sure all sugar crystals get melted at the same time and don’t have a chance to start crystallizing on the sides of the pan (which, as you know, will set off a chain reaction).
*Cheat. Add a little squirt of corn syrup or honey, or a dribble of lemon juice right at the beginning. This keeps the sugar molecules from getting too close and cozy with one another.
Thanks for commenting, and keep us posted!
BMG
I know this question is completely obscene, but how long will this stuff keep? And how should it be stored to keep as long as possible? It would never last long in my house, but it has occurred to my cheap-ass nature that this would make great cheap-ass Christmas gifts for my family of foodies. Assuming that it is entirely possible that they will not open it immediately and scarf it all down, how long could they expect it to stay tasty and mold-free? Thanks!
Hi, Gretchen!
Well, sugary stuff tends to keep sorta long, but I dunno if it’d stay mold free for more than 2 to 3 weeks. That’s completely a guess, though. Because caramel sauce is vaporized the instant it crosses my threshold. True story.
BMG
This may be a dumb question, but could I can this sauce? Like ^Gretchen, I have some dairy free people in my life, and was wondering if we could can it for Christmas gifts? Thanks for the recipes, keep ‘em comin!
Hi, Staci! I wouldn’t can it, especially not if you use butter. Nuts and nut milks can be problematic, too. There may be a way to can this safely at home (i.e. high pressure, slightly altered ingredients), but I’m not convinced it would be safe the way it is, using the water bath method. That said, even though I can pretty often, I’m not a canning authority. Let me know if you find an approved way!
Thanks,
BMG